Sunday, 11 July 2010

Loss, disappointment and yet happiness

This blog isn't supposed to be for the past and I don't want to dwell too long there but there are some experiences and feelings that I want to make a record of for myself. Maybe to look back on and help me in the future, maybe just to lay to rest I don't know but anyway that's what this post is.

There is Lot's I feel envious of, beautiful hair/skin, the ability to draw and sing and express myself in a musical way (well one that doesn't assault others ears anyway) To not have money worries the list is endless but there right at the top shining above the rest is envy of that feeling of excitement when you first wee on a little white stick and watch those blue lines appear to say yes your life is going to change you are pregnant. Now don't misunderstand I'm not trying to get pregnant again (although that story isn't quite finished I don't think)but I do feel cheated out of that feeling from my last pregnancy that first weeks where you still feel fine before the tiredness and sickness kick in, when you feel like nothing can touch you and you are fueled by pure electric excitement. I had it with Molly and maybe the first pregnancy after her but beyond that all I felt as those lines appeared was dread, and "here we go again". and for that I still feel deprived.

Through it all though I never gave up because I knew my family wasn't finished and even if it wasn't to be though the usual means we would grow, as Molly once put it "if mummy's tummy can't grow a baby we might get one from someone who can't look after them and they will have grown in all our hearts then" We just had to accept what would be would be.

I still feel guilt, that maybe there was something I could / could not have done differently to effect things, still feel inadequate that I was unable to protect those six miracles of life. Mostly now I feel guilty when I forget details, that some of the pregnancies have melted into one big loss. I still shed tears for each of those loss' for they were all wanted so badly. One day when I finally get my tattoo which will be representative of my children it will have 7 little stars somewhere nearby.xx

There was so much support from all around us but something that I knew was only meant as comfort and came only from love and the need to try and help give us perspective which is what stopped me screaming was "at least you have Molly" At least AT LEAST she is the very most the everything she is perfect to say the least is to imply that she is not enough and that was never the case, I wanted desperately to give her something that I never had my self which was a sibling.

Sometimes I think the fact I already had a child so knew that rush of love that overwhelming urge to protect and cherish and nourish and the pride the unimaginable pride from the second you hear that first cry made my loss harder to bare because I was fully aware of what I was missing. Of course I would never say my loss was more then that of a woman without a child already however nor would I say it was less. Just that it was mine. Two women could have exactly the same circumstance's same family and friends support etc but still feel completely differently, When talking to others about there own loss I never profess to "know how they feel" because how could I? I am not them I just say " I know how I felt".

People have said " I don't know how you coped" etc etc but I don't feel I did 'cope' I LIVED! Sometimes it was harder then others to let go of the disappointment. Because for me that was the hardest to bare, the constant gaping black hole of disappointment. As hard as you try to not get excited as the weeks go by and you still 'feel' pregnant, you can;t help but hope " maybe this time, this time it'll be ok" and then the sonographer takes just a Little too long before speaking and you just know! Still though they say it maybe 'viable' ( what a clinical term) and that your dates may be out? Although you know undoubtedly that your dates aren't out and that if all was well there would be a heartbeat you can't help but hope................and be disappointed.

We tried various different distraction tactics in those times of false hope and waiting, despising my body for failing again, wishing it was over as it was precious weeks of my cycle time wasting. Little Chef breakfasts were one of the comforting fads. We would find our nearest restaurant and disappear for an hour of American breakfasts with pancakes and syrup and pretend we were on our way to a holiday. One time we actually did between ultrasounds hit the road on a last minute mini break to Dorset, where we stayed 1 night here 2 nights there because that's all the accommodation our favourite site had available.

Then there was Woody, boy did that little bit of emotional blackmail turnaround and bite me ( not quite literally me but my dinning furniture, kitchen cupboards & skirting boards to name but a few) in the bum.

After Buzz our old hair dropping licking machine of complete devotion died we planned to get a pup but agreed it would be best when ( and note the when and not if) I was off work for a while to get it through the puppy stage. However after loss number four or five I forget exactly which, the "but Si what if I don't have a reason to stop work again? Then we won't have a baby or a dog." extra sad pout. add in Molly giving please daddy sad puppy dog eyes of her own. Well needless to say Woody was found and moved in by the end of the day. Named in honour not replacement of our faithful friend Buzz.

and he is a very permanent and energetic and hairy fixture in our family. Very much Simon's dog and they are equally devoted to each other, as I now am to my Dyson! he he.

As I said we LIVED and that's how we coped. I let my self be sad and then I had to be Molly's mum or Simon's wife and all the other positions I hold in life, daughter friend etc. We welcomed numerous more babies into our lives to love, friends and family most notable of which is our gorgeous, cheeky, handsome, monkey of a nephew Haribo, and if I were to say I never felt sad or sorry for myself when news of a babies on the way reached us I would be lying. But only ever for a half of a second. I had a friend express guilt and worry for me wondering whether to share scan pictures or news of midwife appointments with me and my response which I promise was from my heart " How can I possibly be sad when you are telling me of another soul to Love?" Please share and if you see a tear in my eye please don't feel bad just give me a moment and I'll get past my own need and I'll be there to coo and rub belly's and smoosh babies with you"

The time spent under the recurrent miscarriage clinic was a relief if I'm honest. I never really believed we'd get an answer I didn't want one because that would mean there was a problem. But I couldn't get pregnant while we were having the tests so it wasn't at the forefront of our minds for a while and oh... my... that was a blessed rest. Not just for my body but for both our hearts I think, and probably those of those who loved us and felt our pain.

Needless to say there were no answers to be had and the next test was to be a pregnancy which we would in all probability expect to fail and all we could do was hope that it would shed some light on the hands and watchful eyes of the experts.

Well that my friends was roughly one year and nine months ago and we can safely say no light was ever shed as we all know which little star in a million turned one a week ago :-) I'll save that miracle of a fairy tail for the next post xx

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