Thursday, 8 July 2010

The journey beginning

Even then I was completely unaware of how much my life was about to change, I thought I knew, I guessed I would love unconditionally without understanding what that truly meant. I had no idea how much my heart would grow and how fierce I would feel the need to protect or what true pride feels like.

I had a text book pregnancy, tired and a little sick early on, blooming and full of energy midway, heavy and fed up at the end. Christmas loomed, I stopped work with the view to putting my feet up after the festivities and wait for our plus 1 (that's how we signed our cards that year "Simon and Vicki Plus 1".

Well that wasn't to be, I woke early the day after boxing day for my usual 100th wee of the night, Si was crashed out on the sofa having sat up too late watching TV no doubt, nothing that hadn't happened often enough before. When I hitched my leg back up onto my bed to try and find that wonderful dozy land again where you can dream but still know you are waiting for the alarm clock when I felt a warm trickle...... what was that? Did I not finish properly on the loo how embarrassing? Back to the bathroom I waddled (all two steps distance that it was). ohhhhhhh ok right is that my waters then?? It didn't seem enough? SIiiiiiMooooN. No response next step was to call the labour ward to which they're first question was "have you felt the baby move" what? Oh No, I mean Yes I mean I don't think so but it doesn't usually start getting fidgety til breakfast,,, Oh my god should I be scared now? Si in the mean while has moved from the sofa upstairs to the bed as he is still thinking he may be going to work in a few hours.

The midwife on the phone is very reassuring but suggests we make our way to the hospital to be safe. There is no pain or any other symptoms yet so I don't think Si quite believed what was going on, I jump in the shower as for some reason I fixated on the fact I hadn't shaved my legs in a few days and I did not want any thing even hairy legs to not be beautiful at the birth of my baby. (point and fact the insignificant things you worry about before you know what worry really is) I remember him standing there in the bathroom "are you sure Vick" and as if in answer my plug falls away and more waters gush down the drain before our eyes. I think we both stood there giggling whether from the nerves or the situation I still don't know. We head to Labour ward to be told the baby is fine, if I'm honest I knew that although I was flapping it wasn't that gut heart stopping fear when something is really wrong so I knew. Any way they sent us away saying if I didn't need to go back sooner (which they expected I would as my first contraction happened on the monitor) to go back in 2 days and they would induce labour. Eeeeeeeeeek

Well labour pretty much started as we left the hospital, we got home and Simon called work to say he wouldn't be in that the baby was on the way (wow that made it real) We had bacon and took a slow walk across the bridge to borrow a watch with a second hand from my Nan to time the contractions with. I still have the note book that we noted them down in, trust me that is surreal to read back through. The contractions came stronger and stronger all day they were intermittently between 3 and 5 mins apart. I had bath after bath and kept calling the labour ward to be told "not yeT" or "take paracetamol" PARA ****ing CETAMOL I wondered what they were on to suggest that they would make a hint of difference. I tried to sleep but only managed the minute or so doze's between the pains. This went on until past midnight and at this point I called to tell them I was coming in and they were going to give me more then PARA sodding CETAMOL!! This time the midwife I spoke with was not quite so understanding and pushed the point that if I wasn't far enough along they would send Simon home!!! I won't repeat what I said to her here but needless to say they didn't even attempt to suggest such a thing when we got there. I was taken straight to a room sat on a birthing ball and plugged into the gas and air. Time frames allude me here but am fairly certain I was a 3 to 4 when I got there. I wasn't there long and I was given Meptid which is like gas and air straight into the veins! It didn't stop the pain but it made me not care about it for a while. I was hooked up to antibiotics too as my waters had been ruptured for so long to prevent infection. I remember laying on the bed dozing in half light with some chill out music playing in the background and literally tripping! Thinking I was on a fairground ride or something and getting quite irate with Simon when he didn't understand what I was trying to say.

The next time I was examined I was only a 6 or something and I remember crying and feeling there was no way the last few hours I could only have gone 2 more and that I couldn't possibly cope with having to wait twice that amount of time again!! My midwife then broke my fore waters (as it had only been my hind waters trickling for 22 hours!) She then said she'd be back in a minute and when she came back if I still felt I needed it she would call the anesthetist for an epidural.

What felt like hours to me but Si assures me the door had barely shut behind her as she left and I'm screaming and begging him to get her back, to take this pain like I've never known away. He brings her back and I am insisting she give me something but she examines me and says "the only thing you're having my lovely is a baby"

and that's what I did! I watched this angel come into my Life and Loved her like I didn't know love existed. As she was born she turned and looked at me and I was quite simply changed.

My heart just grew, in the second that she was born I was consumed by my love for her my love for Simon as he Loved her, I knew that this was what I was here for, that everything in my life had been preparing me to be her Mummy. Pride such pride from the first smile, steps "whassat" s to this day when I have spent an hour being shown around a colourful classroom by her 6 1/2 year old ball of energy love joy passion and intellect. How did we create something so beautiful so clever and so good? From the first time I left her at nursery and she happily kissed me goodbye and barely glanced over her shoulder (good job really because she would have seen me in floods of tears)To the first time I saw her as a big sister with her own pride in her eyes xxxx

This is one of my all time favourite pictures as it shows just how in awe of her Simon is xxxxxxxxx

I am here for her xxxxxxx

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