Thursday, 23 December 2010


I have neglected this blog and for that I'm sorry,  it's been at the bottom of a very long to do list that combined with illness and tiredness it just fell off the radar for a bit.  It never left my thoughts though and sometimes that was like an added pressure.  I had to remind myself why I started it in the first place and that was to record a piece of me for sometime in the future lest I forget who I am today.  For me to vent and I have found that sorting my thoughts and feelings into words and putting them on the screen has helped quiet my mind in more hectic and stressful times.  So if I disappear for a while and there are gaps between posts please don't think I have abandoned my self council, I need this it is mostly a source of comfort there are just times where life gets that bit too busy for added pressures.

The weeks that have passed since my last post have been filled with Wham tributes and dancing like I hadn't in forever to celebrate a friends 30th.

Cuddles with her Beautiful Son who makes me smile every time I think of him.

Poorly Baby girl so disappointed to have to miss school and cookery club, Daddy however making it up to her with the creation of 'the worlds best chocolate rice crispies cakes' (Official title haha) Licking the bowl even Max having a little scoop of the spoon.


Max and Molly's relationship growing he even climbing up at her on the sofa and crying for her attention after a little bump.

A long awaited addition to the household!! 10 years I've been waiting and finally it has happened. I HAVE  A DISHWASHER and I was as excited when that was being plumbed in as I was a 10 year old girl with her first computer.

Snow and then more snow and all the trials as well as fun that it brings.  Preparing for the coming festivities struggling with the Christmas spirit but finding pockets of it here and there in putting up the tree and attending amazing school productions where my little angel was a star and then there was a drama performance too which was punctuated my little brother's and cousins shouting from the stands to the point that Moo had to say "shhhhhh Harry" from the middle of the stage.

The biggest thing that's happened is our sharing of the news that we are expecting our third baby in the early summer.  Excepting family and friends congratulations and revelling in their excitement for us.  I will be posting about this separately there are weeks of thoughts and feelings to share that I was unable to at the time because of our decision to wait to tell until we had successfully made it through the 1st trimester.

If I'm truly honest with myself although this pregnancy was planned given my history I wasn't expecting it to go so well so quickly.  The nerves are now kicking in and I find myself asking questions like "how am I going to manage to meet the needs of two such young children with out falling short for the big one?" Have I been selfish as it was me not quite ready to draw a line under the baby phase of our family?"
Still in my heart of hearts  knowing this is right for all of us and as hard work and tiring as I'm certain it will be I'm even more sure of how magical our lives will be with another soul to Love and be loved xX

Sunday, 7 November 2010


I'm going to keep this post short as I do not feel it will be too sweet.  It has been a tough couple of weeks, tiredness, sickness and a little sadness seeming to come all at once.

A quiet half term rounded off with the whole family hit by a vicious bug.  Max being the first to suffer followed a day or so later by me then Shortly after Molly who was so bitterly disappointed that she is no longer in the running for the 100% attendance certificate at school as she had to miss the first two days of half term, finally as we're all beginning to recover Simon.  No need to go into details but it left us all drained and a little miserable.  Thank goodness for my Mum braving the germs to come and help me care for the babies while Simon was at work.

Then there was the sadness.  The loss of my mum's much loved 16 year old Yorkshire Terrier affected us all.  He was originally my pet, bequeathed to me by my adored Grandad, but as I grew and left home he remained my mum's faithful (if a little eccentric) companion.  Loss is always hard and for my family a pet is no different, they are as much a part of the family and the home as anything or anyone.  A constant leaving a gaping hole behind them. 

In all this though as usual in my blessed life there have undoubtedly been pocket fulls of pleasure.
Luckily recovered and bug free in time for Firework night, opening our home to family and friends and braving the drizzle to all walk together to a local display.  Both my babies entranced by the sparkling lights and neither bothered by the crackerbangs.

Then back home and feeling one of those absolutely contented moments as it is filled with people we care about, filling their boots with warming food I'd prepared and every one lending a hand in the sorting ,dishing and clearing up.

Not to mention of course that novelty of WEEKENDS, nope still not worn off :-)  Molly's room was the victim this weekend the three of us (well two of us and a little hindrance) attacking the clutter with a ruthlessness which has resulted in the room being the cleanest and tidiest that is ever has.  Well "father Christmas needs to see there is room for any new stuff doesn't he?" that's the line we used and was relatively successful.

I hope there will not be such a gap between this and my next post but I can never be sure,  and I hope more that it will be a predominately more cheerful share but again we'll see.

Welcome to November xx

Wednesday, 27 October 2010

Slowing things down

I sometimes find this merry go round of life can build so much momentum that we miss things in the blur of speed.  This last week or two I've found that my good optimistic mood has been threatened by missing out on the beauty of every day things as they blend together in the mixture of colour light and darkness as a result of that speed.

The solution,, to slow things down.  Take a day or two of just the bare minimum.  Basics, feeding bathing, hoovering, playing, walking, Loving.
Loving a surprise invite out of the blue from old colleagues for some spicy chicken and chat.

Loving Archi-bum un-prompted snuggling Max.

Loving wrapping Max up like like a teddy bear against the cold mornings.

Loving the 99p gloves found in a friends local shop just the right shade of blue to put a smile on Molly's face as wide as the sky.

Loving that I turned thirty last year and was spoiled with the ultimate coat and snuggly Ugg boots keeping me toasty in the recent cold snap.

Heart singing with pride with both babies achieving something new in the same day, Molly swimming her first 10 meters with  a back stoke worthy of a club swimmer (well in my opinion ;-) Max putting a ball in and out of a basket and then showing off to his Physio therapist all the things he can do since they last met.

Loving a spur of the moment decision to book a last minute haircut , amazing how a half hour appointment can lift and lighten a dark mood.

Refuelling with a weekend spent visiting family, celebrating a milestone birthday of a cousin with fancy dress, laughter and dance.   
My favourite part of the weekend the next day, an early start with excited kids having been woken by slobbery licks from the dog, a relaxed breakfast followed by chilling on the sofa and may be 40 winks or two. Max the centre of attention adored by all his cousins.
 Molly idolising her older girl cousin chatting on the trampoline in between stunt like bouncing.

Loving Max getting into the spirit of his Dad's music helping him choose the next track.  

I'll jump back on that merry go round very soon but for now I'm enjoying just sitting back and slowing things downn. xx

Oh and for those having trouble commenting on this blog I have adjusted the settings so hopefully you should find it easier now xxx  Happy Half Term xxx

Friday, 15 October 2010

Nothing and Everything

Some days like one recently I feel like a Goddess of all domesticity,  Husband packed off to work in fresh clean (non-damp) clothes with a substantial lunch made having been woken in bed with his breakfast and a cup of tea ready for an early start..

Number one child fed, washed, dressed, hair done even time to write a note to a friend accepting an invitation to tea, painstakingly copied out all ready to be sent of to school in a relaxed mood with a kiss and a smile.

Number two child's snotty nose chiseled clean, bottle and snuggle given, nose wiped, down for a little play, nose wiped breakfast, nose wiped  more play then back into bed to catch up on a broken nights sleep.

Me cup of tea, breakfast, load of washing on, hoovered, mopped, tidied, dog fed, poo collected from the garden and a lovely hot soak while the baby slept, all before 9am!

Then there are the days that I barely manage to get dressed before lunch, where the simplest of tasks seem to be the biggest of challenges and I find myself in the middle of a supermarket trying to think what we want or need but unable to string two thoughts together feeling utterly over whelmed and the urge to burst into tears almost unbearable.

This last week or so since my last post as been a mixture of both these types of days. Nothing major going on but then all the more significant for that.  Enjoying the simple things like having a couple of days at home where Max can just play and be comfortable in our space.

Hearing from Molly's teacher how well she is doing not only in her learning but her sense of self, comfortable, confidant and always surrounded by friends.

The adoration that Max always looks at Molly with.  How much they enjoy a jammied snuggle

Shopping with my Mum and her inability to resist giving Max Iggle Piggle instead of waiting and adding it to the Christmas pile.  Of course Molly then had to be given something too, a hopping eating weeing Rabbit called Bramble should do!   I won't make too many noises though as there was also a rather interesting book purchased to share between me and my mum however you won't need three guesses who got to bring it home.

Snuggles with their dad, both my babies finding their little nook warm and scrubbed after their bath ready for bed, all on the reclining chair.
Meeting with new friends again, this time being welcomed into their home and sanctuary.  What was meant to be morning coffee turning into lunch.  Max and Sarah sizing each other up, comfortable enough in each others company to have a little shout and a poke.  I sense an important friendship building there.  Not just with the babe's but their mum's too, we met because we both have babies with special needs and seeked others to share experience and challenges with, but I feel we connected because we already share many similar outlooks but also differences, we spent a morning discussing our special babies all four of them! Schools, houses, food, biscuits and much more.  We agree that,,
"We are all the same because we are different"
I think my favourite of all the 'nothing but everything' moments this week or so past must be the weekend, the novelty of having weekends has not yet passed and the last one was extra special because of it.  An impromptu decision to eat out, giving friends a last minute phone call "we're going to eat" on the off chance they felt like joining us which of course they did.  Good food followed with a decamp to their beautiful new/old home for an evening of x-factor and good company.  The chuckle muscle got it's usual work out that night.  A new tradition forming perhaps now that bumcow brunches have had to go with Simon's new working hours.  Date made for the next morning and a mooch round the local boot sale including... yep you guessed it more food!
We are all there Max and Archi just hidden next to their Dad's

Monday, 4 October 2010

Early Mornings and Rainy Days

My baby likes to start his day as soon as he can, we thought it was the light of the early rising sun at first but on holiday with only material between us and the new day he would stay a'snoozing til after breakfast time.  In fact I threatened to pitch a tent in the garden when we got back if it meant I could sleep til the last possible moment before the alarm.   He continued to be kinder to me in the mornings for a while after our holiday, good job really because we left the tent in a bin bag in north Devon so would have struggled to put it up out back.  However gradually those beautiful blue eyes have begun opening at the crack or even before dawn again, it is still dark now so the light can not be blamed.

I have spent many of these early mornings trying to persuade him that he in fact is still tired, gently plied him with a bottle in the dark and snuggled down in the big bed occasionally able to grab an extra 20 min snooze but more often 20 minutes of frustrated lullaby's in turn disturbing the sleeping Daddy.  The two of us each then facing our own working day with heavy eyes and a little bad tempered.

So this week I tried a new tact and wow I would never have thought it, I actually like mornings.  I like that there is time to sit and drink a cup of tea whilst watching Max alert and comforted by milk enjoying his toys in the front room, funnily enough he prefers the noisy ones first thing! I like that there is time for all the things that need doing to get us out the door in the mornings and then some extras.  I can leave the house tidy and not the bombsite that the family whirlwind creates at breakfast, I can even run the hoover round so I don't have to swim through hair when I get home from the school run or whatever other appointments I so often have to keep.   I like that Daddy appreciates his extra undisturbed sleep.  I love hearing the pad pad pad of Molly's footfalls as she sleepily makes her way down for breakfast of her own accord with out having had to be dragged out of bed.  Everything so much more relaxed all just from going with the flow instead of fighting it.
It's been a miserable week weather wise and that can sometimes make days miserable in other ways.  Everyday tasks are so much more difficult in the wet, having to handle a sopping buggy in and out of the car, growing extra muscles on the arm that pushes as the other is occupied fighting with the wind for the shelter of the brolly.  The car windows steaming up so much more quickly because of the damp we all bring to the inside.  The muck on the floor that no matter how much everyone wipes their feet or removes their shoes still appears, especially when there are a thousand bags of shopping to bring in from the car, guaranteed that there are no spaces outside the front of the house.

In all this though I have surprised myself in my out look and I find I am taking more pleasures!  I hate to sound all preachy and make out that I never feel bad anymore I do of course I do,  But I never seem to forget even in my worst moods how fundamentally happy I am and grateful and blessed.

Rainy days this last week have bought with them mornings spent drinking tea snuggling sleeping babies whilst watching a good film.  Taking shelter at a friends sharing lunch and catching up, with max proving me right and working his new boots impressing the ladies already.

Therapy sessions full of advice and tools on how to help Max develop communicativly, watching him with his therapist and seeing how far he's come and I hadn't even realised.
Welcoming new friends into our home and life to share the joys and challenges of family life with an extra chromosome, bringing with them light on a dark and dismal day.

Huddling under the umbrella in the playground, pausing to accept invitations from school for parents evening and to an assembly to celebrate Molly's achievements already this term.

Walking the dog on these wet days is never a chore I relish the thought of but once out it becomes much less of a chore and more of a pleasure that I would never have shared with the children if it wasn't for the dog.  I would have balked at the idea of getting wellied up and walking to the park if I'm honest, but what we would have missed out on is an absolute adventure.
Splashing in puddles is so much fun,
as is digging in mud and scientifically testing the worthiness of the trees shelter. 

Woody is just as keen as on a dry day not seeming to be bothered in the slightest by the drizzle or the soaking wet ground laying in wait as usual.  Although it is quite funny how he can be sopping wet having rolled through marsh like fields in stunt Frisbee catches and yet on the lead walk home avoiding every single puddle, jumping some skirting round the edges of others.  He is a strange dog ha ha. 
 Max wrapped up and cocooned under the rain cover sleeping as soundly as he would of at home in his cot.
Molly and I just had to try each others brolly's out.

All this so easily missed if I was to have followed my instinct and battened down the hatches snuggling up on the sofa with books and a bit of TV . Closing the blinds to the darkness of the day and munched on biscuits washed down with warm drinks.   Although now I think on it there is something to be said for all that too ........

Balance is the key.  A rainy walk here, coffee and biscuits there.  An early start and a busy morning here and a long lay in with a PJ day there..  

Saturday, 25 September 2010

Attempting to Practice what I preach.

I found myself giving advise the best I could to a friend who's baby was born 9 weeks early this week and is currently being cared for in SCUBU (special care baby unit), getting stronger every day but it'll be too soon to tell if any other problems will present for some time.  I said to her mum to pass on from me that she can't worry about what might be and to concentrate on what is.  That there are too many variables in 'might' and it'll be crazy making to worry about all of them.  That she is strong and will cope with whatever crosses her path, good and bad.  That worrying won't change what will be and to enjoy every minute of her little family as it is today, grab every moment and hold on to it as tightly as she is desperate to hold that tiny miracle that is her baby. xx

The day after preaching this I felt myself spiral into blind panic about what 'might' be round the corner for us, after reading an article in a magazine about duel diagnosis (Autism and Down's Syndrome) the absolute dread I have of losing the wonderful connection I have with my son nearly swallowed me.  It's been an irrational fixation that I have occasionally let overcome me since that initial bombardment of information about everything that 'might' be facing us.  Of all those scary 'maybes' that is the one I can't seem to ignore as easily as the rest.
I had to remind myself of my own advise and take a great big gulp of it.

Not what 'might be' but what 'is'.  Like Simon said to me when I confided my fears.  "What are you going to do if it does happen? Stop Loving him?" NEVER.  It made me think and what I thought was, we would deal with it, make adjustments to our life and perspectives where necessary and as we have always done, move on. So I quote my wonderfully wise husband " What's the point in worrying about something that a)can not be prevented if that is what is meant to be and b) may never even happen?"

What is now is...... I have a beautiful 15 month old (well nearly) Son, who I've just registered for his place at mainstream pre-school.  Who at the moment is meeting almost all "typical" developmental milestones. Who every day baffles us with his achievements, who loves and laughs and hugs and chases the dog, who's face beams at the sight of his sister.  He creates a parameter around him that who ever crosses it can't help but be infected with the joy he permeates.
Now is also a change in our lifestyle, 10 years, our entire relationship we have never had regular weekends.  Simon's role at work has changed which now means we have every weekend.  Which means me no longer resenting a Sunday spent on his mini project as there is always next weekend!  Or the other way he no-longer will feel deprived of his own space as we make our demands on his few weekend days, as there is always next week.  The changeable days off have worked for us until now I think it's important to emphasise, it enabled me to work as he was able to take the pressure of childcare issue etc, and he has been able to be more involved in Molly's school and more easily available for appointments for Max.  However having said that we are so looking forward to no Sunday alarms :-)

Now is choosing the best middle school which meets moo's needs now,  trying not to put too much emphasis on the impact that decision will make on secondary schools yet.  Who knows where we'll be in four years so what is best now is what is important.

Now is watching my babies bond grow ever stronger as they play with jenga bricks together for hours.  Molly building and then shrieking with laughter as Max destroys .
So here I am mid way through the first weekend of every weekend, having watched x-factor while supping a cold beer, I take a deep breath and realise that now is, well it's simply fabulous.

"The past is gone!
The Future is not here yet!
All there really is, is now!"
Happy weekends xxx

Monday, 20 September 2010

Ticking Boxes

It can some times feel like I spend my life making lists, of tasks to be done, things to get, people to see, today tomorrow, this week, next week, before the end of the month year by Christmas etc etc.  The gratifying thing about this is however ticking off those tasks.  Little satisfying things like getting the mountain of washing put away, clearing the house of dog fur (if only for a second lol).  Putting reasonably balanced meals on the table to fuel the family energy.  Keeping up with friends.

Then come the ongoing things which repeat on those lists again and again.  Filling Molly's time with stimulating fun stuff.  Like securing her a place in the after school cookery club, she is so excited and when drama was cancelled at the last minute instead of sitting at home in her room or in front of the telly spending the time with her best friend at the park sword fighting with sticks, picking flowers for mum's, throwing frisbees for the dog, dropping to her bottom from the height of the monkey bars.

There have been a number of boxes ticked this week, some day to day like the ones mentioned above, others milestones, like our nephews second birthday spent in September sunshine surrounded by friends and extended family listening to Toy Story toys repeat the same phrases again and again.  My brother in law showing all what kind of a true Dad he is by dressing up as his Son's favourite character.

Then now that they are securely deposited back home, getting back into routine and enjoying a bumcow Brunch on the boys day off with the big littles at school.
It's a good job I didn't manage to capture Dave in this shot as he was really being quite rude ;-o

Mmmmm Breakfasssssssssssssssssssst
I really think I am a larger person trapped in a slim persons body.......

The next day sharing a mooch and some lunch out, helping to find brick a brack to feather the nest.  Max and Archi-Bum sharing a ride in a double trolley, although to be fair I don't think they will be in a hurry to do that again as if it wasn't Max trying to remove Archi's dummy or ear then it was Archi wanting whatever Max was holding. Or Max trying to comfort Archi in his crying with what I'm sure he thought were gentle Ahhhhhhh tap taps on his back, however having been on the receiving end of a number of these hugs I'm certain that to Archi they felt more like wallop wallops. 

There was also reassurance that I had made the right decision in moving Moo up a level in her swimming as on her first lesson after the holidays she already has made a huge leap or should I say splash ahead.  TICK

Another milestone ticked off with our little Max in a Million...  He is no longer stationary!!!!!! The boy can commando crawl at the speed of lightening.  He had been moving forwards on his front for a week or two but it seemed he wasn't quite sure how he was doing it.  Not any more, Max and Molly were in the living room enjoying some quiet telly time well Molly was trying to and max was on the rug surrounded by noisy toys, their Dad and I were at the dining room table sharing the days events when we noticed it had gone a little quiet.......... Look who greeted us at the door...
At the sight of us promptly sitting up and looking at me as if to say "well come and get me then I've come this far"
The boy just keeps astounding us and I don't think it'll be long before he is pulling himself up to  investigate.

The two most significant Boxes to get big ticks this week, were.... A hugely successful hearing test for Max.  The congestion of the last having cleared and him co-operating beautifully so the lady could get a really good picture of his hearing which uncovered NO HEARING LOSS and nothing needing monitoring.  I don't think I admitted to myself how concerned I was after the not quite so positive results of 3 months ago, so I think I'll use a huge luminous marker to check that box off. :-)

Then there was the Sunday of all Sundays.  A nice reasonable lay in, followed by my beautiful little girl lending a hand with the washing up and preparation of breakfast.
Then time spent as promised just the two of us, me and my girl.  If only a trip riding up front with me to the petrol station for the weeks supply of fuel and milk. TICK (for now)

Finishing up the day with a family walk (including the hairy four legged member of our family) The first big trek with no buggy, Max riding high on my back following the river through fields full of cows, sheep and all that they leave behind.  The dog  overstretching and finding himself in the river at a difficult spot , Simon nearly joining him as he lent a  helping hand to find his way out.  Still getting a soaking when Woody shook his 'thanks'
We are so lucky to have such wonderful countryside so close to our doorsteps.

So here I am having begun another week, another list and I find myself looking forward to ticking more boxes. xx