I am getting a little cross with myself because the fact that stress is currently limited in my life is worrying me! Life is good, kids are thriving, pregnancy is going well, financial pressures aren't as heavy, yet I am waking in the night wondering when things are going to change.
Even though Molly has just been confirmed a place at our chosen middle school instead of taking a deep breath and being pleased worrying about the next milestone secondary school! Contemplating all things from catchment areas for good schools (us living in prime catchment of what I consider the complete opposite of a good school) to the issue of her social development and what if we can't get her into the secondary schools we want and she ends up having to o local and start again socially all because of the decisions we made when she was four to send her out of catchment.
Being entirely at ease with Max and every thing about him all the things that are the same for him as well as the differences, loving him so completely with such pride and fierce protectiveness and utter acceptance of his condition and all that it brings with it. Instead of enjoying that, having moments of complete panic and fear that I never want to feel differently. At the moment he is a child, utterly adorable and so full of character that even his tantrums make people (including me) say ahhhhh I fear of ever wishing he was different, of not feeling the utter peace and acceptance that I do now when maybe he is a not so cute a teenager or adult throwing a similar tantrum. I doubt that day will ever come but it still terrifies me. He deserves that fierceness and unconditional love I feel today forever with out faltering and with out condition or if onlys.
Not to mention the fears of my impending labour and the birth of our newest baby, can I possibly be lucky enough to have an third uncomplicated delievery and healthy newborn?
These are only brief moments and I feel it prudent to point out that hormones may very well be a factor in their depth.
I counter these with spring afternoon walks to the park with Molly and a friend after school. Where we enjoy breezy sunshine and little girls show of their new found confidence in their climbing abilities.
Loving the dog having been scrubbed and primed and preened now roaming the house like a fluffy walking air freshener.
Being spoilt for Mothers day with love and sentiment, my new bracelet adorned with a charm from each of the pieces of my heart. A fourth picked ready and waiting the safe arrival of the next bundle.
Looking forward and beginning to prepare in earnest for the arrival of the third and probably final addition to our family. Starting to get excited about the tiniest baby grows again and reminiscing when the other two could ever have been that small. Making 'to do' and 'to get' lists.
So for now I feel no shame fear or guilt from shouting from the rooftops.
LIFE IS GOOD