Of all the things we could have had to worry about and haven't and I'm crying over a pair of shoes!!! I feel so shallow but he is my cool dude, he like his sister has the best we can provide. Why just because he has a disability should he have to 'look / dress' any different from any other child? Like a 'disabled' uniform?
Please don't misunderstand me I am in no way ashamed of anything different Max has to do or face or wear, I have nothing but love and pride in my son and feel no need to disguise or try and deny any of his physical or developmental differences. It's just I hate limitations of any kind being put on him and I feel robbed of that special moment when you go out and get their feet measured then spend an age choosing from a row of cute boots, shoes trainers.
The fact is our choice has been limited to......well no choice there's one pair of boots.!!!! The man measuring him up trying to be kind said 'they're just like any little pair of white boots you would buy in the shops'! The thing is I would NEVER have considered 'little white boots' for him NEVER! Oh oh 'but they can come with little blue laces now' doesn't change a thing they are plain awful!!!!!!!!!
I am utterly ashamed of myself for this ridiculously image led reaction, but I swore from the moment I found out how much of a miracle he truly was that he would never fit the stereotypical image I had in my head and in my ignorance was terrified by in those initial seconds after being given his diagnosis. I so soon learned that this image was a complete misconception and that it was up to us to try and help those misconceptions and prejudices disappear from society one friend / acquaintance at a time, leading by example.
Still having said that I am ashamed of the strength of my disappointment that he won't have 'cool' first shoes what ever they are really, but it is how I feel and I can't do anything but acknowledge that, try to make sense of it and move on. Well that will be the aim anyway, for now I'll just let myself cry when I think too long on it.
This whole experience we call life is one big learning curve, the steepest part of that is learning about ourselves. I never knew I could be so shallow and pathetic but now I do I can do something about it, namely to change this about myself.
Most importantly I will have perspective, Love and nurture Max and teach him to be proud of his differences even his white boots with blue laces, after all they'll be 'cool' once he's wearing them ;-)