Life is good so why stress?

I am getting a little cross with myself because the fact that stress is currently limited in my life is worrying me!  Life is good,  kids are thriving, pregnancy is going well, financial pressures aren't as heavy, yet I am waking in the night wondering when things are going to change.

Even though Molly has just been confirmed a place at our chosen middle school instead of taking a deep breath and being pleased worrying about the next milestone secondary school!  Contemplating all things from catchment areas for good schools (us living in prime catchment of what I consider the complete opposite of a good school) to the issue of her social development and what if we can't get her into the secondary schools we want and she ends up having to o local and start again socially all because of the decisions we made when she was four to send her out of catchment.

Being entirely at ease with Max and every thing about him all the things that are the same for him as well as the differences, loving him so completely with such pride and fierce protectiveness and utter acceptance of his condition and all that it brings with it.  Instead of enjoying that, having moments of complete panic and fear that I never want to feel differently.  At the moment he is a child, utterly adorable and so full of character that even his tantrums make people (including me) say ahhhhh I fear of ever wishing he was different, of not feeling the utter peace and acceptance that I do now when maybe he is a not so cute a teenager or adult throwing a similar tantrum.  I doubt that day will ever come but it still terrifies me.  He deserves that fierceness and unconditional love I feel today forever with out faltering and with out condition or if onlys.

Not to mention the fears of my impending labour and the birth of our newest baby, can I possibly be lucky enough to have an third uncomplicated delievery and healthy newborn?

These are only brief moments and I feel it prudent to point out that hormones may very well be a factor in their depth.

I counter these with spring afternoon walks to the park with Molly and a friend after school.  Where we enjoy breezy sunshine and little girls show of their new found confidence in their climbing abilities.

Little boys scream and giggle with delight on the swings. To death defying heights too quick for the camera.

Loving the dog having been scrubbed and primed and preened now roaming the house like a fluffy walking air freshener.

Still enjoying regular weekends with Daddy at home if only to have a Sunday late morning snooze.

Being spoilt for Mothers day with love and sentiment, my new bracelet adorned with a charm from each of the pieces of my heart.  A fourth picked ready and waiting the safe arrival of the next bundle.

Looking forward and beginning to prepare in earnest for the arrival of the third and probably final addition to our family.  Starting to get excited about the tiniest baby grows again and reminiscing when the other two could ever have been that small. Making 'to do' and 'to get' lists.

Like I say we all have ups and downs, ebbs and flows in life and I am learning to flow and enjoy the ups because undoubtedly the ebb and downs will come again but then I will have the memory and thought of these times as well as the love of my beautiful family to see me through those tougher days and out and up again!

So for now I feel no shame fear or guilt from shouting from the rooftops.

LIFE IS GOOD

The Pregnancy Closet

There was that moment again, that instant where most people feel excitement and joy and I just felt, scared, nervous.  The only difference this time when I wee'd on that stick was the added shock that it had happened so quickly.  We had agreed to set limits this time, boundaries so it didn't become too central a purpose in our lives for too long.  It was decided that if we weren't successfully pregnant by the end of 2011, my thirty second birthday then we would draw a line under the story and move on with our family as it is.  Which by the way we were and are both more then satisfied with.  This time limit was set for a number of reasons.  Part of which was that having enjoyed a larger age gap between our first two children and all the benefits the five and a half years bought we both  liked the idea of a closer age difference between Max and a younger sibling and not wanting the gap between Molly and her youngest brother or sister to be too great, also my age although I know I am by no means old many of my friends having not started having their children until my age or even older and there are many benefits to being an older parent I just felt having started my family in my early twenties why put my ageing body through it much later. Lastly and probably the most significantly not wanting to go through the years and loss' we did waiting for Max.  If I'm honest I expected maybe one or two loss' and maybe to take a while to fall which I accepted as what must be and why we started trying so early however within two weeks of taking the leap there I was in a friends new kitchen staring blankly at those windows on the test and those two little lines!

The Doctor I saw was very supportive and did not question my request to be referred to the Early Pregnancy Assessment Unit (EPAU) for early scans she set it up straight away for me.  The midwife even called me the afternoon I'd been to see the Doctor to set up an appointment and support even though the pregnancy was so new.  Gratitude at the support overcoming the sneaky suspicion that their going beyond was not only as a result of my miscarriage history but of the circumstances of Max's birth too.

We managed to put it from our minds, not think about it for most of the two weeks we had to wait for my first appointment with the EPAU.  The fact we had chosen not to tell any but my closest friend  and her husband ( who also happens to be Simon's close friend) helped as it wasn't a topic for conversation in front of others or more importantly Molly.  I was quite pleased with how relaxed I was managing to stay. Until the Sunday morning before my scan, after enjoying a mooch round the local bootsale with the aforementioned friends  we were queueing for a hotdog or bacon stick when I felt my heart sink.  I had felt myself begin to bleed,  I then had to whilst trying not to let Molly know or to seem alarmist communicate to Simon what was going on and make my way to the disgusting plastic sheds they pass off as public toilets to sort my self out and assess the severity of the bleed.  Knowing there was nothing I could do that would change what was happening and although aware that it was not enough of a loss for it to be over holding little hope of any other outcome.

We spent the next three days in a state of anxious waiting.  All the the time expecting the bleeding to progress, worsen, a pain to start, new to this scenario as almost all my previous loss had resulted in surgical removal (ERPC) Torn between the urge to curl up in a ball in bed and wait for the scan on the Wednesday which would undoubtedly confirm my fears, (obviously not a viable option with energetic seven year old with a busy social life and a demanding one year old to attend to) and the instinct to distract myself with shopping and friends and well life.  As is my usual I chose the latter and as the days passed the bleeding slowed to nothing and a glimmer of hope returned with a very positive result on another pregnancy test I couldn't help but take, the right hormones were still present.

Finally the day arrived after a disturbed nights sleep.  Molly was collected by a friend ready to be deposited at school.  Max coming along for the ride, although my only confidant so tuned into my needs and without being asked had arranged care of her own children so as she could meet me there and look after Max for me allowing me to focus on what was going on with out worrying about Max and of course so I was not alone if what I truly expected was to be the truth.  Simon and I had already discussed and decided that as this was the path we had chosen and his boss was not aware yet he would stay at work until a real need arised ie, more surgery etc.
Then....... I could not believe it........ there it was, a little tiny bean with that unmistakable blink blink blink of a beating heart!

So there I was, so far so good, all was well and we were at the start of another two week waiting game for another scan, I was wiped out, sick, stressed but hopeful.

Big questions had been raised however by the wonderful midwives on the EPAU, decisions had to now be made.  To Screen or not to screen?????
It would never be a question of anything more then knowledge for us as a family to take that wonder away, my fear that as we no longer can live in the "it'll never happen to us mentality" that the pregnancy and birth might be tainted by a constant worry of what might be. Meeting both my babies was so magical, precious moments and that last thing I want is to miss that with this child as I'd instinctively be looking for ' features' the bonding moments of that first cuddle ruined by guilt.

What ever the result of any tests there would be no further choice we would make. Given a diagnosis of Down's or anything else for that matter of course we would continue with the pregnancy to not would be like us choosing between Molly and Max and saying that she is more important or valued then he which is in no way the truth.  Both my babies add equal value and purpose to my life I could never choose between them.  I have to emphasise that I in no way judge anyone else facing this choice, it must be a gut wrenching decision no one would take lightly and will always be with them.  Statistics do disturb me of positive D/S diagnosis there is a 95% termination rate.  I truly believe that that if people were more aware of the joys and triumphs and achievements as well as the undeniable challenges this statistic would be lower.  I do still believe in choice and repeat I do not judge nor envy anyone who makes that choice informed.  We find ourselves blessed to have the most 'informed' of choices No choice.

So our dilemma, to go through the risk of miscarriage and the stress of testing just to know for knowings sake? An attempt to preserve a moment of meeting untainted by the question?  I don't think so.  We toyed with the idea of not finding out the sex, introducing a bigger question for the moment of birth?  Then we realised it didn't really matter we will fall in love and adore and feel the magic of meeting our child whatever they bring with them and knowing that has helped me to know that I all being well will enjoy this pregnancy with out fear (other then that of any expectant mum) and look forward to the excitement and pride that comes along with the discomfort of late pregnancy.  NO SCREENING xxxxxxxx

That decision being made the weeks between the first and second scan didn't drag too much.  I couldn't help but be fearful, painfully aware as I lay on the couch of every twitch on the sonographers expression, sure I saw a grimace but then she turned the screen and there was the little bean with the flashing blink blink blink of a heart beat again. So far so good now to wait another two weeks.

Ten hours later however and I was spotting again. Could I not even have a couple of days to be excited with no worry?

The following weeks were filled with terror again as I became so ill with a bug which hit us all in the family over a 4 day period. On top of more spotting and horrible morning sickness.  At the next scan however all was perfectly well with the little wriggling bean and I dared to look forward to two weeks on and finally sharing our exciting news with our friends and family and most importantly Molly moo.

I think I have caught up with myself now and have already posted on the experience of our twelve week scan.  Molly was thrilled to find out she was going to be a big sister twice over and we have been showered with love support and excitement from all angles of our family and friends.

I have to add that we were not strong and at twenty weeks we found out which flavour baby we are expecting....... I won't post it publicly here incase there is anyone reading who would like a surprise in June but if you know me personally and would like to hear pink or blue then message me and I'll be happy to share, if you don't have any other means to contact me then comment on this post and we'll find a way to communicate xx

baby number three at 20 weeks :-)

Neglect

I have neglected this blog and for that I'm sorry,  it's been at the bottom of a very long to do list that combined with illness and tiredness it just fell off the radar for a bit.  It never left my thoughts though and sometimes that was like an added pressure.  I had to remind myself why I started it in the first place and that was to record a piece of me for sometime in the future lest I forget who I am today.  For me to vent and I have found that sorting my thoughts and feelings into words and putting them on the screen has helped quiet my mind in more hectic and stressful times.  So if I disappear for a while and there are gaps between posts please don't think I have abandoned my self council, I need this it is mostly a source of comfort there are just times where life gets that bit too busy for added pressures.

The weeks that have passed since my last post have been filled with Wham tributes and dancing like I hadn't in forever to celebrate a friends 30th.

Cuddles with her Beautiful Son who makes me smile every time I think of him.

Poorly Baby girl so disappointed to have to miss school and cookery club, Daddy however making it up to her with the creation of 'the worlds best chocolate rice crispies cakes' (Official title haha) Licking the bowl even Max having a little scoop of the spoon.

xx

Max and Molly's relationship growing he even climbing up at her on the sofa and crying for her attention after a little bump.

A long awaited addition to the household!! 10 years I've been waiting and finally it has happened. I HAVE  A DISHWASHER and I was as excited when that was being plumbed in as I was a 10 year old girl with her first computer.

Snow and then more snow and all the trials as well as fun that it brings.  Preparing for the coming festivities struggling with the Christmas spirit but finding pockets of it here and there in putting up the tree and attending amazing school productions where my little angel was a star and then there was a drama performance too which was punctuated my little brother's and cousins shouting from the stands to the point that Moo had to say "shhhhhh Harry" from the middle of the stage.

The biggest thing that's happened is our sharing of the news that we are expecting our third baby in the early summer.  Excepting family and friends congratulations and revelling in their excitement for us.  I will be posting about this separately there are weeks of thoughts and feelings to share that I was unable to at the time because of our decision to wait to tell until we had successfully made it through the 1st trimester.

If I'm truly honest with myself although this pregnancy was planned given my history I wasn't expecting it to go so well so quickly.  The nerves are now kicking in and I find myself asking questions like "how am I going to manage to meet the needs of two such young children with out falling short for the big one?" Have I been selfish as it was me not quite ready to draw a line under the baby phase of our family?"

Still in my heart of hearts  knowing this is right for all of us and as hard work and tiring as I'm certain it will be I'm even more sure of how magical our lives will be with another soul to Love and be loved xX

Blerghhh

I'm going to keep this post short as I do not feel it will be too sweet.  It has been a tough couple of weeks, tiredness, sickness and a little sadness seeming to come all at once.

A quiet half term rounded off with the whole family hit by a vicious bug.  Max being the first to suffer followed a day or so later by me then Shortly after Molly who was so bitterly disappointed that she is no longer in the running for the 100% attendance certificate at school as she had to miss the first two days of half term, finally as we're all beginning to recover Simon.  No need to go into details but it left us all drained and a little miserable.  Thank goodness for my Mum braving the germs to come and help me care for the babies while Simon was at work.

Then there was the sadness.  The loss of my mum's much loved 16 year old Yorkshire Terrier affected us all.  He was originally my pet, bequeathed to me by my adored Grandad, but as I grew and left home he remained my mum's faithful (if a little eccentric) companion.  Loss is always hard and for my family a pet is no different, they are as much a part of the family and the home as anything or anyone.  A constant leaving a gaping hole behind them. 


In all this though as usual in my blessed life there have undoubtedly been pocket fulls of pleasure.
Luckily recovered and bug free in time for Firework night, opening our home to family and friends and braving the drizzle to all walk together to a local display.  Both my babies entranced by the sparkling lights and neither bothered by the crackerbangs.

Then back home and feeling one of those absolutely contented moments as it is filled with people we care about, filling their boots with warming food I'd prepared and every one lending a hand in the sorting ,dishing and clearing up.

Not to mention of course that novelty of WEEKENDS, nope still not worn off :-)  Molly's room was the victim this weekend the three of us (well two of us and a little hindrance) attacking the clutter with a ruthlessness which has resulted in the room being the cleanest and tidiest that is ever has.  Well "father Christmas needs to see there is room for any new stuff doesn't he?" that's the line we used and was relatively successful.

I hope there will not be such a gap between this and my next post but I can never be sure,  and I hope more that it will be a predominately more cheerful share but again we'll see.

Welcome to November xx

Slowing things down

I sometimes find this merry go round of life can build so much momentum that we miss things in the blur of speed.  This last week or two I've found that my good optimistic mood has been threatened by missing out on the beauty of every day things as they blend together in the mixture of colour light and darkness as a result of that speed.

The solution,, to slow things down.  Take a day or two of just the bare minimum.  Basics, feeding bathing, hoovering, playing, walking, Loving.

Loving a surprise invite out of the blue from old colleagues for some spicy chicken and chat.

Loving Archi-bum un-prompted snuggling Max.

Loving wrapping Max up like like a teddy bear against the cold mornings.

Loving the 99p gloves found in a friends local shop just the right shade of blue to put a smile on Molly's face as wide as the sky.

Loving that I turned thirty last year and was spoiled with the ultimate coat and snuggly Ugg boots keeping me toasty in the recent cold snap.

Heart singing with pride with both babies achieving something new in the same day, Molly swimming her first 10 meters with  a back stoke worthy of a club swimmer (well in my opinion ;-) Max putting a ball in and out of a basket and then showing off to his Physio therapist all the things he can do since they last met.

Loving a spur of the moment decision to book a last minute haircut , amazing how a half hour appointment can lift and lighten a dark mood.

Refuelling with a weekend spent visiting family, celebrating a milestone birthday of a cousin with fancy dress, laughter and dance.   

My favourite part of the weekend the next day, an early start with excited kids having been woken by slobbery licks from the dog, a relaxed breakfast followed by chilling on the sofa and may be 40 winks or two. Max the centre of attention adored by all his cousins.

 Molly idolising her older girl cousin chatting on the trampoline in between stunt like bouncing.

Loving Max getting into the spirit of his Dad's music helping him choose the next track.  

I'll jump back on that merry go round very soon but for now I'm enjoying just sitting back and slowing things downn. xx

Oh and for those having trouble commenting on this blog I have adjusted the settings so hopefully you should find it easier now xxx  Happy Half Term xxx

Nothing and Everything

Some days like one recently I feel like a Goddess of all domesticity,  Husband packed off to work in fresh clean (non-damp) clothes with a substantial lunch made having been woken in bed with his breakfast and a cup of tea ready for an early start..

Number one child fed, washed, dressed, hair done even time to write a note to a friend accepting an invitation to tea, painstakingly copied out all ready to be sent of to school in a relaxed mood with a kiss and a smile.

Number two child's snotty nose chiseled clean, bottle and snuggle given, nose wiped, down for a little play, nose wiped breakfast, nose wiped  more play then back into bed to catch up on a broken nights sleep.

Me cup of tea, breakfast, load of washing on, hoovered, mopped, tidied, dog fed, poo collected from the garden and a lovely hot soak while the baby slept, all before 9am!

Then there are the days that I barely manage to get dressed before lunch, where the simplest of tasks seem to be the biggest of challenges and I find myself in the middle of a supermarket trying to think what we want or need but unable to string two thoughts together feeling utterly over whelmed and the urge to burst into tears almost unbearable.

This last week or so since my last post as been a mixture of both these types of days. Nothing major going on but then all the more significant for that.  Enjoying the simple things like having a couple of days at home where Max can just play and be comfortable in our space.

Hearing from Molly's teacher how well she is doing not only in her learning but her sense of self, comfortable, confidant and always surrounded by friends.

The adoration that Max always looks at Molly with.  How much they enjoy a jammied snuggle

Shopping with my Mum and her inability to resist giving Max Iggle Piggle instead of waiting and adding it to the Christmas pile.  Of course Molly then had to be given something too, a hopping eating weeing Rabbit called Bramble should do!   I won't make too many noises though as there was also a rather interesting book purchased to share between me and my mum however you won't need three guesses who got to bring it home.

Snuggles with their dad, both my babies finding their little nook warm and scrubbed after their bath ready for bed, all on the reclining chair.

Meeting with new friends again, this time being welcomed into their home and sanctuary.  What was meant to be morning coffee turning into lunch.  Max and Sarah sizing each other up, comfortable enough in each others company to have a little shout and a poke.  I sense an important friendship building there.  Not just with the babe's but their mum's too, we met because we both have babies with special needs and seeked others to share experience and challenges with, but I feel we connected because we already share many similar outlooks but also differences, we spent a morning discussing our special babies all four of them! Schools, houses, food, biscuits and much more.  We agree that,,

"We are all the same because we are different"

I think my favourite of all the 'nothing but everything' moments this week or so past must be the weekend, the novelty of having weekends has not yet passed and the last one was extra special because of it.  An impromptu decision to eat out, giving friends a last minute phone call "we're going to eat" on the off chance they felt like joining us which of course they did.  Good food followed with a decamp to their beautiful new/old home for an evening of x-factor and good company.  The chuckle muscle got it's usual work out that night.  A new tradition forming perhaps now that bumcow brunches have had to go with Simon's new working hours.  Date made for the next morning and a mooch round the local boot sale including... yep you guessed it more food!

We are all there Max and Archi just hidden next to their Dad's

Early Mornings and Rainy Days

My baby likes to start his day as soon as he can, we thought it was the light of the early rising sun at first but on holiday with only material between us and the new day he would stay a'snoozing til after breakfast time.  In fact I threatened to pitch a tent in the garden when we got back if it meant I could sleep til the last possible moment before the alarm.   He continued to be kinder to me in the mornings for a while after our holiday, good job really because we left the tent in a bin bag in north Devon so would have struggled to put it up out back.  However gradually those beautiful blue eyes have begun opening at the crack or even before dawn again, it is still dark now so the light can not be blamed.

I have spent many of these early mornings trying to persuade him that he in fact is still tired, gently plied him with a bottle in the dark and snuggled down in the big bed occasionally able to grab an extra 20 min snooze but more often 20 minutes of frustrated lullaby's in turn disturbing the sleeping Daddy.  The two of us each then facing our own working day with heavy eyes and a little bad tempered.

So this week I tried a new tact and wow I would never have thought it, I actually like mornings.  I like that there is time to sit and drink a cup of tea whilst watching Max alert and comforted by milk enjoying his toys in the front room, funnily enough he prefers the noisy ones first thing! I like that there is time for all the things that need doing to get us out the door in the mornings and then some extras.  I can leave the house tidy and not the bombsite that the family whirlwind creates at breakfast, I can even run the hoover round so I don't have to swim through hair when I get home from the school run or whatever other appointments I so often have to keep.   I like that Daddy appreciates his extra undisturbed sleep.  I love hearing the pad pad pad of Molly's footfalls as she sleepily makes her way down for breakfast of her own accord with out having had to be dragged out of bed.  Everything so much more relaxed all just from going with the flow instead of fighting it.

It's been a miserable week weather wise and that can sometimes make days miserable in other ways.  Everyday tasks are so much more difficult in the wet, having to handle a sopping buggy in and out of the car, growing extra muscles on the arm that pushes as the other is occupied fighting with the wind for the shelter of the brolly.  The car windows steaming up so much more quickly because of the damp we all bring to the inside.  The muck on the floor that no matter how much everyone wipes their feet or removes their shoes still appears, especially when there are a thousand bags of shopping to bring in from the car, guaranteed that there are no spaces outside the front of the house.

In all this though I have surprised myself in my out look and I find I am taking more pleasures!  I hate to sound all preachy and make out that I never feel bad anymore I do of course I do,  But I never seem to forget even in my worst moods how fundamentally happy I am and grateful and blessed.

Rainy days this last week have bought with them mornings spent drinking tea snuggling sleeping babies whilst watching a good film.  Taking shelter at a friends sharing lunch and catching up, with max proving me right and working his new boots impressing the ladies already.

Therapy sessions full of advice and tools on how to help Max develop communicativly, watching him with his therapist and seeing how far he's come and I hadn't even realised.

Welcoming new friends into our home and life to share the joys and challenges of family life with an extra chromosome, bringing with them light on a dark and dismal day.

Huddling under the umbrella in the playground, pausing to accept invitations from school for parents evening and to an assembly to celebrate Molly's achievements already this term.

Walking the dog on these wet days is never a chore I relish the thought of but once out it becomes much less of a chore and more of a pleasure that I would never have shared with the children if it wasn't for the dog.  I would have balked at the idea of getting wellied up and walking to the park if I'm honest, but what we would have missed out on is an absolute adventure.

Splashing in puddles is so much fun,

as is digging in mud and scientifically testing the worthiness of the trees shelter. 

Woody is just as keen as on a dry day not seeming to be bothered in the slightest by the drizzle or the soaking wet ground laying in wait as usual.  Although it is quite funny how he can be sopping wet having rolled through marsh like fields in stunt Frisbee catches and yet on the lead walk home avoiding every single puddle, jumping some skirting round the edges of others.  He is a strange dog ha ha. 

 Max wrapped up and cocooned under the rain cover sleeping as soundly as he would of at home in his cot.

Molly and I just had to try each others brolly's out.

All this so easily missed if I was to have followed my instinct and battened down the hatches snuggling up on the sofa with books and a bit of TV . Closing the blinds to the darkness of the day and munched on biscuits washed down with warm drinks.   Although now I think on it there is something to be said for all that too ........

Balance is the key.  A rainy walk here, coffee and biscuits there.  An early start and a busy morning here and a long lay in with a PJ day there..