As usual the weeks since my last post have been rich and full.
Starting with the making of a difficult decision to stop breastfeeding, made all the more harder
knowing that this time that's it forever. Never again will I feel that sense
of achievement knowing that this child is thriving on sustenance provided solely
by me. I debated for about a fortnight before finally taking the plunge. Simon
had expressed concern at how tired I had been and that maybe I needed to
concentrate on what was best for me for once but I couldn't help but feel guilt
for even considering the change. It took a chance meeting in tesco with a friend
and her comment "well if you are thinking and debating about it so much, then
maybe it's not working for you anymore and it's time to stop!" made absolute
sense and that evening Mia had her first bottle of formulae and neither of us
have looked back.
With my new found freedom of formulae feeds and the ownership of my body transferred back to me, breasts n all. The freedom to enjoy what I wanted to eat
and yes even drink the inevitable happened. The babies all tucked up in bed Nanny ensconced on the sofa ready with cuddles and bottles where required Simon and I escaped for a couple of hours and were a couple again. I wore perfume!! Enjoyed adult company. Didn't have to think about everything I was saying in relation to strategies, development etc. It took a while to lose
the talking and signing, but it felt so good to just look like Vicki, not Molly
Max or Mia's mum !
Dancing like a fool laughing like a friend.x xx Soaking this all up like a tonic. Then back to being mum again and Spaceships made of cardboard xx to flights to the moon ;-)
Being the oldest and "knowing better" is tough bless her and sometimes he is
just plain annoying stubborn unwilling to share and follows her about like a
shadow wanting what ever it is she's touching! Who can blame her for finding
it hard sometimes x Loving Mia soooo much And feeling guilty that I take advantage of how good she is. My time devoted to her seems to be only functional, she's clean, fed, happy to coo and entertain herself and have the the occasional cuddly snooze, the fact
max is so vocal and boisterous in his demands on my time and attention and Molly's timetable so regimented 8:45 school, 3:30 collect 4:30 swimming on a Tuesday 5:30 drama on a Monday makes me feel like it leaves little time and energy for just Fun time with Mia! Worrying (un necessarily) about when and what mile stones she is meeting and again feeling guilty that so much of my energy and focus is on Molly and her spelling / times table etc as it is all targeted and strategies to help promote max and his development that my confidence that she will get there any way means she doesn't get the same focus and pushing on to the next thing like sitting / rolling / walking etc that the other two had! I just have to remind
myself that there is only my best and they all get that! Realising we have hit the terrible twos and occasionally there are weaker moments when
the realisation that this phase may last a while longer! The challenging behaviour
may last for always and that just makes me tired! Not un happy no way less in love or
determined just ... Tired ....
So not liking that feeling deciding it's time to call in Nanny to help me create some
time to myself even if it is just a couple of hours to have my hair done! Strange though that when i do escape it either takes a while to regain my adult vocabulary, or my mouth turns into a sewer and all the suppressed bad language just falls out!lol ! Then there was message to offer help with the little things from un unexpected source ! Even if I never take them up on the offer, just the genuine reach of a hand meant so
much more then they will probably ever realise ! Then there is the steady and the constant ! The friend you don't need to ask for help from because she is already there telling you what she is going to do with out you ever needing to feel beholden! Xxxxxx There were a few emotional challenges too, I had to wait for Max to go to sleep so
I could cry after the torture of his annual blood test! Choosing his glasses, poor little man has a little face with no bridge to his nose and a huuuuge wide head so getting the right fit hasn't been easy and I don't think we're there yet but to quote a bumcow doesn't he look Scrummy?
I was pushing the buggy at a brisk pace with Mia sleeping tucked up underneath her brother riding high, feeling buoyant from a productive trip to the city centre when i passed a group of people with varying physical and other special needs and they're carers clearly also enjoying a day of shopping on an organised outing. Max the charmer and social little boy that he is not unusually grabbed the attention of one of the ladies there in a caring role as our paths crossed, I saw the flash of comprehension in her eyes as she thought she recognised Maxs syndrome and smiled at him 'knowingly' ! I carried on walking and was utterly astounded at what I heard next coming from behind me. she must of turned to to her colleague who was pushing a lady in a wheelchair and then i heard her say
"ahhh I love to see 'them' at that age cause I think to myself in 20 years or so 'they'll be with us"!!!!!!! Did she think that I was going to bring Max up and love and nurture him as a child then when he is an adult give up and institutionalise him???? NEVER!!! I understand that as an adult it would be selfish of me and irresponsible to make him solely dependant on me alone. I'm sure he will go to clubs, work and have a social life beyond me and his family and he may well need some extra support to achieve that. Who knows he probably won't want to live in my home forever but wish to spread his wings and branch out alone or with friends maybe even a girlfriend and I will support him in living his life as fulfilling and independently as it is safe for him to do so! Having said that he has a proud mum and dad, two sisters who I am certain will want to be a big part of his life, Nan's who adore him an Uncle and Aunt who are devoted not to mention cousins and friends coming out of his ear holes, needless to say he won't be short of people who love him to go on a shopping trip with!!!!!!! Her assumption irritated and offended me It took every ounce of tolerance in me not to turn back and correct her! I knew she meant no harm and I did not know the circumstances of the adults she was with and would not have wanted to upset or offend them in any way by suggesting there was anything wrong in their situation and this is what ultimately stopped me from confronting her !! That and the fact her comment clearly wasn't meant for me to hear. It's played on my mind since, so far we have had no real negativity shown towards our beautiful boy, he's still so young and very cute and as such any differences or difficulties haven't been as obvious to draw that kind of ignorance. This event has acutely reminded me and made me more aware that as he gets older the world may start to find it harder to see past stereotypes and ignorance and we have to make sure Max and his sisters all never doubt how to be unique is to be beautiful and remind them of the Dr who first spoke to us about Max's condition and what he said about prejudice coming from ignorance, and to feel sorry for those that are ignorant not anger or be upset by their prejudice. Remind them that there are no limitations to what any of them can achieve and 'to shoot for the moon, because even if you miss you'll be amongst the stars' All three of them already are my stars brightening my life with their light Xxxxxxx
So to that end I took the plunge and knowing that my family is complete I together
with fabulously talented artist designed and he then created a tattoo which represents
my family and my perspective beautifully.
And now December is upon us with all the joviality fun / stress and love that it brings. Simon's birthday already suitably celebrated with a night of over indulgence of friends and alcohol!
A night filled with funny faces
Dancing and laughter
Ahead we have school discos and productions, tree decorating and birthdays not to mention the big day its self when our home will be filled with family and I can't wait to soak it all up xxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxx